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Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Silence speaks

Considering everything that had happened, the last person I expected to see when I walked into the room was her father. The flash lights from the camera made the room appear as if it was amidst a thunderstorm. Her father stood in front of the press teary eyed. 
 
“I’m sure the Lord will show us a way and I’m hopeful that she is fine and well. With all your prayers, I’m looking forward to the day she will come back to us”, he was saying to the press. Fine and well. Well, she was - a few days ago, until I cut the steel through her throat. I leaned against the wall in the corner of the room and watched the drama unfold.

She has been reported missing for five days now. #PrayforSara had become a Twitter trend. It’s funny how the social media reacts to sensational news. Their “Sherlockian” guesses crack me up. One such investigative theory was that she was the adopted daughter of the President, and she was forcefully sent to Nepal to avoid the truth from being let out! Why don’t people come up with the simplest guess? Cold blooded murder. Girl stabbed by her lover. That would make a great headline. 

“Do you think Sara is still alive?”, asked one of the reporters. Of course, not. Her blood dripped through my very hands. It flowed down her throat, dripping down her curly brown hair, the beautiful curly hair that I loved, tracing its shape and finally falling on my hands. I still remember the smell of her blood. She should have known. I’m sure she knew. I have been stalking her for over a year. Of course, she must have known. Yet she decided to stalk someone else, instead. That tall, dark and handsome colleague of hers. I was doubtful of him from the very beginning. But - I loved her. Was it really love?

I still remember that warm afternoon, I stalked her and found her sitting at one of my favourite cafes. She was sitting alone with a book, smiling to herself. As her long slender fingers turned the pages over, she gave me a quick glance and I knew for sure that the smile, that came after, was not for the book. That night I dreamt of a life together with her, raising a family, having kids. She was the reason I felt alive every day. 

There was a sudden hustle among the press now. Her father let out a huge cry. Cameras flashed again. Uh-oh, I guess they’ve found the body. It must be in a bad shape by now, under the bridge where I left her. I was afraid of being engulfed with guilt and regret when I stood next to her, five days ago, watching her lifeless body. I’m surprised I wasn’t. How can someone kill a person? Let alone after having loved them? Am I a psychopath? Maybe. But something in me tells that she deserved it. 

I felt she deserved it, when I closed her mouth from behind and slit her throat. I felt she deserved it when I thought about the day her colleague left her home late in the night. How could she? Even after knowing that I’ve been after her for a long time, even after exchanging those smiles and knowing glances, even after “coincidentally” meeting at the same spot for months? She deserved it. 

The crowd was settling down. I decided to move across the room and exit the building. I got to know what I wanted to. Although I didn’t expect to see her father today along with the investigative officers, I was kind of relieved that it finally happened. As I moved across the room, a voice called out to me, “Oh! You’re the last person I expected to see now”. It was her father. My legs froze. I stood still. I felt paralysed. I slowly turned around.

“Um..I didn’t know you knew me, Sir”, I managed to start talking. “They just found Sara”, her father leaned on my shoulders and wept like a child. He composed himself, and wiping away his tears, continued, “Of course, I know you. Sara has told all about you. I hope you have met her few times?”

I panicked. What is he doing? Is this some sort of trick to get the truth out? “Uh.. we might have happened to be in the same place, quite often, Sir. It was the reason why she was very familiar to me and why I even started following this case. It has been very unfortunate. I’m really sorry for your loss”, I tried to sound as genuine as possible. 

“Well, I guess she mustn’t have told you then. You didn’t happen to be in the same place. She was stalking you. For months, actually. She liked you a lot, my son. She has told me about you and even sent pictures of you. I was hoping she would have talked to you. Oh dear. I guess she really liked playing the stalking game with you. Didn’t you really not talk with her, ever?”

“No. We… we… didn’t get to... talk ” 
 eople come up with the most simplest guess? Cold blooded murder. Lover kills r murders woman ftruth from being let out! Why d
I slowly moved away as the reporters surrounded her father. I ran across the hallway and entered the restroom. I put my hands into my coat pocket and took out her blood stained mobile phone swiftly. I switched it on and opened WhatsApp with my shivering hands. And there I found, in her conversation with her father, along with two heart smileys, a picture of myself sipping coffee at my favourite café.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Iraivi - my review

*spoilers ahead*

After a very long time I felt like watching a KB movie . Take a bow Karthik subburaj for choosing such scripts and not compromising. Iraivi is not a film that glorifies women. It instead , very subtly , brings out the otherwise ignored , but very important, emotions of women . It talks about "emotional freedom" . It talks about how even the basis of life - happiness , is dependent on men, for the women in our society. Agreed, there are some hiccups in the way the movie travels, like the two unnecessary songs. BUT, when was the last time in TC we saw a movie based on such complicated emotions and relationships? When was the last time we saw a drunkard but loving husband? When was the last time we saw an important female character in the movie say "let's just f*ck" ? When was the last time we saw a hero bashing men with lines like "evalo kevalamana piravi la nama" ? For these, and for some wonderful dialogues like , "enaku kalyanam aiduchu , kozhantha iruku aana ena idhu varaikum yaarum love panathu illa" and "mazhai la nenaiyalama? Vendam, nenanjiruvom", go watch Iraivi! :)

Friday, 30 January 2015

மழை

"வங்கக் கடலில் ஏற்பட்டுள்ள குறைந்தக் காற்றழுத்தத் தாழ்வு மண்டலத்தால் அடுத்த 48 மணி நேரத்திற்கு கன மழை எதிர்ப்பார்க்கலாம் என்று சென்னை வானிலை ஆராய்ச்சி மையம் தெரிவித்துள்ளது" 

சலிப்புடன் டிவியை அணைத்தேன். இந்த நாள் இப்படித் தொடங்கும் என்று நான் எதிர்பார்க்கவில்லை.

மழை. இந்தப்  பாழாய் போன மழை இப்போது தான் வரும். வெளியே இருட்டி இருந்தது. இடி இடித்தது. காற்றில் ஈர பதம். எனக்குக் காய்ச்சல் வந்துவிடும் போல இருந்தது. இந்த நாள் எல்லாமே சரியாக நடக்கும் என்று கனவுக் கண்டேன். இந்த ஒரு நாள் தான். இனி எப்போ இந்த மாதிரி வாய்ப்பு கிடைக்கும். நாளை காலை அவள் வந்து விடுவாள். 

"அத்தை நான் பக்கதுல கடைக்குப் போய்ட்டு வரேன்"
"எந்தக் கடை?"
"இங்க தான் பக்கதுல.. காபிப் பொடி வாங்கனும்" (அப்படியே லைப்ரரி ..கொஞ்சம் பார்க்கில் நடை.. பக்கதுல சூடா சோளம்...ஆஹா..)
"பக்கத்துல தானே? சரி நானும் வரேன்"
"..." 

ஒவ்வொரு முறை நான் தனியே செல்ல முயற்சிக்கும் போதெல்லாம் இப்படி "சரி நானும் வரேன்" இல் மாட்டிக்  கொண்டு விடுவேன். ஆனால் இன்று எப்படி ஓர் அறிய வாய்ப்பு . எவ்வளவு நாள் இதற்காக நான் காத்துக் கொண்டிருந்தேன். என்னவெல்லாம் யோசித்து வைத்தேன். 

"அம்மா ரொம்ப நாளா திருச்செந்தூர் போகணும்னு சொல்லிட்டே இருக்காங்க.. இந்த சனிக்கிழமை போய்ட்டு வந்துரலாம்.. அடுத்த நாள் காலைல வந்துரலாம்.. என்ன?"
(இந்த வாய்ப்பு வாழ்வில் மிக அரிதாக வரும். நழுவ விட்டு விடாதே. என்ன செய்யலாம்.யோசி.)
"சனிக்கிழமை யா?"
"ஆமா..ஏன்?"
"இல்லைங்க .. அன்னைக்கு என்னால கோவிலுக்கு வர முடியாது"
"ஓ .."
"பச்.. என்ன பண்றது.. சரி.. நீங்களும் அத்தையும் போய்ட்டு வாங்க..நானும் கொஞ்சம் வீட்டுல ரெஸ்ட் எடுக்குறேன்"
இப்படியெல்லாம் பொய் சொல்லி இந்த நாள் எப்போ வரும் என்று காத்துக் கொண்டிருந்தேன். வெளியே சென்று பால்கனியில் நின்றேன். மழை விடாமல் பெய்துக் கொண்டிருந்தது. சாலை எங்கும் நீர் தேங்கி சாக்கடைகள் நிரம்பி வழிந்துக்கொண்டிருந்தது.

காலைல எழுந்ததும் தலைக்குக் குளிச்சிட்டு புது சாரி கட்டிக்கிட்டு..முதல் ல கோவிலுக்கு போகணும். அப்புறம் ரமணா மெஸ் ல டிபன். மசாலா தோசையும் காபி யும். அப்புறம் லைப்ரரி. மதியான சாப்பாடு கிருஷ்ணா கபே. அப்புறம் மாட்டினி ஷோ. சாயங்காலம் ரொம்ப தூரம் நடக்கணும். எங்கயாவது. நடந்துக் கொண்டே இருக்கணும்.தெப்பகுளம் போகணும். படியில உட்காரணும். மீனுக்குப் பொரி போடணும். இருட்டில தெப்பகுளம் எவ்வளவு அழகாக இருக்கும். நைட் கூட வெளியில சாப்டுக்கலாம். சமைக்கவே வேண்டாம். பாத்திரம் கழுவ வேண்டாம். வீட்டுக்கு வந்ததும் விடிய விடிய இளையராஜா பாட்டுக் கேட்டுட்டே புக் படிச்சுட்டே தூங்கணும்.

இந்த நாளின் ஒவ்வொரு நொடியும் ஒவ்வொரு நிமிடமும் நான் அல்டிமேட் ஸ்டாரை போல செதுக்கி வைத்திருந்தேன். ஆனால் இந்த மழை என் ஆசையில் மண்ணை வாரி போட்டு விட்டது. சமைக்கவும் பிடிக்கவில்லை. அழுக்குத் துணி மூட்டையாய் இருந்தது. துணி துவைத்தாலும் மழையில் காயாது. பால்கனியில் நின்று மழையை வெறித்துப் பார்த்துக் கொண்டே இருந்தேன். இந்தக் காற்றுழுத்தத் தாழ்வு மண்டலம் இன்றைகுக் தான் வரவேண்டுமா. சே. 

கீழே ரோட்டில் பள்ளிக்கு ரெயின்கோட் மாட்டிக்கொண்டு இரண்டு சின்ன குழந்தைகள் பள்ளிக்கு சென்றுக் கொண்டிருந்தார்கள். 

"ஹேய்.. அது அழுக்குத் தண்ணீ ..அதுல கால் வச்சா ஷு டர்ட்டி ஆகும்.. அம்மா திட்டுவா " ஒற்றை குடுமிப் போட்ட வாண்டு அதட்டியது.
"போடி..இத இப்டீ ஷு இருக்குல..அத.. தண்ணிக்குள்ள விட்டு கால வெளீல வெச்சு நடக்குறப்போ பாரேன்..தண்ணி புளுக் புளுக்னு வெளில வரும்.. நடக்குறப்போ சத்தம் கேட்குது பாரு.. சூப்பரா இருக்கும்" ரெட்டை குடுமியின் குரலில் அத்தனை உற்சாகம். தண்ணியில் குதித்து குதித்து சென்றது. 

வீட்டைப் பூட்டி விட்டுக் கிளம்பினேன். மழை எவ்வளவு அழகு என்பதை  எப்படி மறந்து போனேன்?!





Sunday, 4 January 2015

Man of the match

“Shit. Shit.Shit. I cannot afford to lose this client too. The presentation should be ready in half an hour for me to review and tell the guys to wrap it up as quickly as possible ANDDDD what I need RIGHT NOW is coffee”, he spoke without pausing for a breath.
“Sir..coffee? Sir”
“Yes. Coffee. Black. Please tell Rana to get it right now. I have a splitting headache”
“Sir Rana has gone out”
“What about the machine?”
“Sir..uh.. umm.. it is yet to be serviced..”
“This place is a mess, filled with people who are unfit to do ANYTHING! Including the coffee machine and myself” He yelled and fell back in his chair.

He signalled his secretary to go who stood there blinking, unsure of how to react.
He felt as if his head was bursting. Just then he saw Rana hurrying inside the office with a bag of groceries.

“Rana..”
“Sir..Black coffee sir..In a minute sir” He rushed to the pantry.

Vinit always felt restless without Rana by his side. Rana was a lanky 18 year old, who has been with him for over three years and took care of everything in the office. Vinit finally felt a sense of relief as soon as he saw Rana. He told himself, “Rana is here. Coffee would be here soon too. Everything is going to be alright”
He was going over his files, when his mobile screen lit up with the smiling face of his 13 year old son, Arjun.

“Pa! I’m waiting near the gate” he almost squeaked at the other end.
“Gate? Which gate? Why?”
“PAPAAA! Near your office gate. You said you’ll drop me today for my cricket coaching class. We have to leave now.. Pa I have taken my new bat too.. Pa.. also I..”
“Uh..Oh shit. Aju.. I’ll call you in a minute, just wait right there”

He didn’t even listen to what his son was saying. He disconnected the call and dialled his ex-wife’s number.
“Listen. Can you drop Aju today?”
“What? Today is your turn. Do you think I’m sitting jobless here? What will Aju think? You can’t even...”
He was not in the mood for this. Not today. Not now. He cut her off and dialled his son’s number again.

“Aju. Stay right there. I’ll send Rana to drop you. So sorry. I really wanted to come Aju. Papa has a meeting now. I’ll come next week, I promise”
There was a restless one minute long silence, filled with Aju’s disappointment and Vinit’s guilt.
“Aju?”
“Ya”
“I’m sorry”
“Papa. You know what.. it’s ok. You are very busy. In fact let Rana drop me every week. You’ll come for the match though, won’t you?”
“Oh! Of course! How will I miss your first match?”
“Al right papa. Bye”

As Rana left office to drop Arjun, Vinit went back to work, sipping his black coffee.

“You know I thought Pa will come at least today”
“It’s ok. I can come every week with you”
“Ya.. Ok”
Arjun was sulking. He just kept staring at the vehicles pass by. Rana wasn’t sure what to talk either, and finally after a lot of thought, said, “Hey! You got a new bat?”
“yaaa.. See? MRF”, Arjun’s face gleamed with pride. His mood changed in a jiffy.
“Wow! Just like Sachin”
“Yes yes. Wish I could hit some reverse sweeps with this one”, Aju swung his bat in air.

Rana sat in the ground the entire evening, till the practice session got over. He dropped Arjun back to his mother’s place and came back to Vinit’s office. People were just leaving. He washed the tea cups in the pantry, switched off the lights, locked the office and went back to his house.
Rana continued accompanying Aju for the following weeks. His match day was nearing.

Aju walked back from the pitch and fell on the ground near Rana.
“You timed it wrongly”, Rana said.
“Ya I know. Wasn’t it an easy catch? Shit”
“It’s ok. You are getting better. You ran better today”
“I thought so too. At least I wasn’t run out like last week”
“You have improved a lot”
“Coach thinks I’m more of a bowler. He says I’m not a hitter”
“Your coach knows nothing”, Rana waved his hand in the air.
They both laughed out loud, and started walking towards the car.

The session was interrupted next week, due to rain. Rana and Aju sat inside the indoor auditorium.
“Hey do you want to practice with me?”
“Me?” Rana laughed
“Ya. Come on”
Aju bowled to Rana. He swung his bat all around and fell on the ground. The boys laughed.
“I can only watch cricket. I can’t play” Rana defended himself. Aju laughed.
“Ok try one more”
As he ran to bowl again, he slipped and fell down. Rana ran over to him.
“Are you ok?”
“I think I’ve sprained my ankle”, Aju said wincing with pain.
“These shoes..see they aren’t meant for indoors” Rana took off Aju’s shoes and started examining them. “Don’t worry... you’ll be fine. Come let’s go home”

It was a week before the match.
“How did I play today?”, Aju said wiping his face. His shirt was drenched with sweat and mud.
“Decent strike rate. Good running between the wickets. And what a nicely timed boundary in the 3rd over!!”
“Ya. But only one”
“But it was the best of all the shots played today”
“Do you think they’ll let me open?”
“I thought the guy with the weird hairstyle was good. Isn’t he?”
“Who? Sri? So even you think only he is good enough to open?!” Aju looked cross.
Rana laughed out loud. “I was kidding. I hope they let you open too”
“Al right. Come let’s go. Hey! Will you come for the match?”
“I don’t know”
“Ok. Papa said he’ll come for sure”
“I’m sure he will”

It was the day of the match. A very busy day, as usual at Vinit’s office. There were meetings, phone calls, clients, along with the usual black coffee served by Rana.
“Rana? Can you get me those old files which we have stacked in the store?”
Rana turned and started walking towards the store room without a word, like a robot.
“Rana?”
“Sir”
“Are you not well?”
“Yes sir, fever. I was wondering if I can take the day off”
“Oh.. But this needs to be done today at any cost. You can take off tomorrow morning”

Rana continued with his work in the store room and Vinit went back to his. It was around 6pm, when his ex-wife called.
“I did not want to call you but I want you to face Aju and his disappointed face. The match will be over in ten minutes. I called to tell you that, you just missed your son’s special evening, in which he needed you the most” She spoke sternly without a pause and disconnected the call.

He felt horrible. He threw his phone, as he was so angry with himself for being so careless and forgetful. He took his car keys and rushed to the stadium. He would’ve almost killed many people and dogs on the way.
The presentation ceremony was going on and just as he entered, he heard the lines , “...and the for the brilliant match saving knock of 65 runs and for fetching 3 wickets, the man of the match award goes to Arjun”, followed by a loud cheer and a thundering applause from the crowd.

Vinit was trying to meet Aju’s eyes after the ceremony. He couldn’t. He finally knelt before him in the parking lot.
“Papa is really sorry. I don’t have any excuse. I’m really sorry Aju”
“Ok”
“You know papa has so many meetings..and..”
“Papa, it’s ok. Let’s go home”
“Shall we go to Dominos? We should celebrate! Huh Man of the match?”, Vinit tried to cheer him up after they reached home.
“No I’m sleepy. Good night pa”, Aju walked into his room and fell on his bed.

Aju did not speak to Vinit for almost a week. Vinit was very depressed and filled with guilt. He was unable to concentrate in his work. People at work started talking about Vinit and his unusual behaviour.

It was practice session again from the next week and as usual Rana went to pick up Aju. Neither of them spoke on the way. Rana broke the silence.
“So how was the match? Won’t you tell?”
“It was ok”
“Just ok?”
“Ya”
“I’m sorry. I know you are still upset about your father not coming for the match. But you should know that he is feeling very bad and sorry about it. He is not himself at work. He looks very sad all the time. Won’t you forgive him? Won’t you talk with him?”
“Rana! Noooo.. I know papa won’t come for the match. But why didn’t YOU?”

There was a brief moment of silence between them. Rana’s face changed from concerned to surprise to a delighted smile, in those few seconds.  Rana stopped the car and turned around to face Aju, and told him in a whisper.

“You know I lied that I had fever and tried taking the day off”, he giggled, and then continued apologetically, “but, your father didn’t let me.. i’m sorry.. please tell me everything about the match”
“I was the man of the match can you believe?? You should have been there you know! And guess what? I hit a reverse sweep just like Sachin, in Bala’s over”
“Wow! In Bala’s over?!”
“yaaa .. he was shocked too .. he thought he was too good for me..aha.. and andddd I took 3 wickets... You know that Rohan? He was clean bowled in my first ball.. Rana you should have seen it”
“Hahaa.. See I’m getting goosepimples.. Wish I had seen it live”
“Ya.. you missed it” 

Monday, 6 October 2014

பார்வை

கால் நோக காத்திருந்து ..
கூட்ட நெரிசலில் அகப்பட்டு ..
வெயிலையும் மழையையும் கடந்து..
உள்ளே நுழைந்ததும்..
ஏனோ கண்களை மூடி கொள்கிறார்கள்..
கடவுளைப்  பார்க்காமல்?

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Lost in infinity

I bury myself
in thoughts
of what if's
and why not's
I try so hard 
to gain control
but it just gets deeper
like a rabbit hole

I lay face down - 
layers of apprehensions
and ruminations
weighing me down

Can't seem to find
a way out
deeper in my mind,
I go about

Deeper I go
losing myself
in infinite loop
Little do I know
that it is just
a black hole
with no hope 




Monday, 14 July 2014

Look out

Look out..
For that innocent smile,
On a crowded bus
For those pants that still fit,
When you’re thirty plus

Look out..
For that sound of an ice-cream truck,
On a Sunday afternoon
For that shooting star
On a  dark sky with no moon

Look out
For the words
That need not be spoken
For the silence
That need not be broken

Look out
For those hands that hold you,
When you fall
For that bit of strength,
When you feel small

Look out
‘Cause what you see,
Might just not be it
And if you look beyond,
You might just be able to get it

Look out
For the hope
Behind every pain
For the sunshine
Behind every rain